Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
