Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
