i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
