see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
