Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
