Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I FOUND THE LEGS
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
