I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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