i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i love accidental penises.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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