we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
