dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I am available for nakedness
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
