your parents love me but you hate me
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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