Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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