She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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