You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I smell like Dick and happiness
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
