the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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