if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
A+ Viking dick
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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