News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize