I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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