you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
