The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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