dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
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