I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
