Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
