Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
