how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
