We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
