pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
