Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
