a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Randomize
