All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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