Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
