Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
