It's Friday. Sex?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
