I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
