i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
sex in a hospital.. check
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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