I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I haven't been this sober since birth.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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