Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
