The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
i think my cat just said my name.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
