Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
