If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize