Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
