I think I won the penis lottery.
even my farts smell like vagina
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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