you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Someone signed my nipple.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
