i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
