I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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