dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
