this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
