The maid of honor just puked.
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
