Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
