I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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