census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize