I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Randomize
