Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
