oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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