I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
