she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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