My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize