turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
