I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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