If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize