Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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