what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
