Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
