Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
