fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
