she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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