Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize