i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
